Hit The North
1990 - 1993
Graveyard Shift
1993 - 1997
Breakfast Show
Afternoon Show
1997 - 2004

D aytime Quality Items

Mark had become Chris Evan's regular fill-in whenever the Ginger one went on holiday and so it was no surprise that Mark got offered Radio 1's top job when Chris left. The Mark and Lard Breakfast Show started on the 17th February 1997.

It got off to a bit of a slow start probably due to nerves but it soon became a top quality show. They made up new quality items for the show but also toned town some of the Graveyard Shift items for daytime listening.. These ranged from poetry readings to comedy series. Below are a few examples of their quality items.

Chris Evans was a hard act to follow right from the start. This was Mark & Lard's most high profile job so there was a lot more pressure on them to attract listeners than on any other of their slots. Of course they also got a much higher salary, the Mail on Sunday estimated that Mark was being paid £90 thousand per year for the Breakfast Show. However it soon became clear that they weren't attracting the audience numbers that the BBC bosses wanted so they agreed that it would be best to move them to a new timeslot where they would be under less pressure. The Breakfast show finished on the 10th October. Mark and Lard then moved to the 2-4pm Early Afternoon Show.

Breakfast Show Featured Quality Items

Rabbi Lionel Blair
Wheel Of Misfortune
Wheel Of Misfortune

Trivial Hairsuit
Busy Bee
The Busy Buzy Bee Game

Breakfast Show Quality Items

Fish or Fowl?

Used to be a Graveyard Show quiz for celebrities but became a Breakfast Show quiz and anyone who phoned in could take part. You were given seven words which were either a fish or a fowl and you had to guess which one it is. If you scored 4 or more you got a prize. As with Bird or Bloke you had to get the last one wrong. See also Bird Or Bloke and read the Fish Or Fowl Jingle Lyrics.

Dobbins Or Bobbins

A telephone quiz where people had to guess if the names they were give are a Horse's name (Dobbins) or made up (Bobbins). They got 1 CD for each correct answer. They could then do a double or lose all on the last question.

Bird Or Bloke

A telephone quiz where people phoned up and are were given 5 names and they had to guess weather the person was a bird or a bloke. You could win crap prizes such as Mugs and CD`s but you had to get the last one wrong otherwise you would lose the lot. See also Fish Or Fowl and read the Bird Or Bloke Jingle Lyrics

Fish or Foul?

Music To Watch Girls ByLard

Mark plays a tune and Lard and Patrick hangs out of the window at BBC Manchester and waves at any girls or boys that they can see.

<A HREF="sounds/mtwgb.mid">Music To Watch Girls By</A> - Midi File

Keeping track of the pack,
Watching them, watching back,
That makes the world go round,
What's that sound?
Each time you hear a load collective sigh,
They're making music to watch girls by.

'Music To Watch Girls By' MIDI File by Andrew Bond

Harry White

He is Radio 1`s Beached Whale of Love. He does requests for records and reads out messages and star signs to your loved ones. He formally appeared on The Graveyard Shift in 'When Barry Met Larry'. He also does the Bobbins Love Sign of The Day. It is sometimes amazing how much sexual innuendo he can get into two minutes.

Read Your Bobbins Love Signs Of The Day

Pixie Dancing - A chance for you to turn up outside the studio at 8:55 and dance about like a pixie whilst shouting 'Wee' at the Boy Lard who was precariously hanging out of the studio window surveying the scene.

Alan Bowl - No relation to Alan Ball. Honest. If your friends have let you down then you could write into him and he ritually humiliated them live on air. Like Alan Ball he wears a cloth cap, a shell suit and white football socks but he is absolutely no relation to him.

Just Ask Lard - If you had a problem doing your homework you could ask Lard, and with the help of his new camping gas powered computer he would find the answer.

The Odd One In Game - Telephone quiz where you were given 4 sets of 4 words, for each set you had to say which word was the odd one out. You then had to say how the 4 odd words are related.

Worm Of The Week - The Breakfast Show`s record of the week. So called because the early bird catches the worm.
All the Worm's Of The Week And Information about them can be found at Paul Speller's Worm Of The Week Page

Puns Of the Day - The item where they took the piss out of the crap Headline puns in the tabloid press.

5 Words For Lard - Someone phoned in and gave Lard 5 words which he has to say in the 1st half hour. When anyone heard his 6th word they could phone in and win some old prizes from past quizzes.

Max BeaverdongNews - Radio 1`s chief Political and Angling correspondent. He gives us the latest showbiz news and gossip each day. He has a wife called Monica who regularly interrupts him when he is on air and apparently according to Max is a bit of a "beast".

The Vinyl Vault - This is a place deep down in the depths of the BBC where Lard went each day to find an old record and play it. Due to BBC cutbacks the door to the vinyl vault was very creaky leading to the catchphrase, "Must get some oil for the door".

Divot Island Discs - Where you choose the Vinyl Vault Records.

We Love Us - A quiz where Pop groups are tested on each other. The prize is a foot spa which Jarvis Cocker of Pulp won in the first week. The jingle to it is from "You Love Us" by the Manics which was the first record played on the new Breakfast Show.

Celebrity Travel And Weather - A top showbiz celebrity such as Fish from Marillian Jane 'Ozone' Middlemiss, Zoe Ball, Joey Ramone, Mark Lamarr, Mark Owen, Sharleen from Texas, Michelle Gayle, Swampy and Bob 'Blockbusters' Holness do the Travel and weather over the phone.

2 Peas In A Pod They Are Not - Two totally different records played one after another.

Bit and Piece - Another quiz where you were invited to stand outside the BBC`s Manchester Studios on a cold icy morning and if you were lucky you got picked to play. The contestants had to listen to 5 snippets of music and write down what they were. The winner was the one who got the most correct answers. The first prize was an electric kettle and the second prize was a slightly inferior kettle.

Mr Rotivator - The Breakfast Show work-out man but the flabby old tosser could rarely manage more than one press-up. Mr Motivator pinched his act from here.

It`s Believable - The Daytime version of F*** My Hat

Guest Poet - The poetry spot on The Breakfast Show which featured many of the poets who had previously appeared on The Graveyard Shift.

Cheeky Get - They read out a cheeky email or letter and then say "Cheeky Get"

VanWin A Van - A feature of the first two weeks of the show where someone stole the van then if you saw it and phoned in you got a chance of winning it.

Little Travel With Lard - "There is a dead cat on Thorngrove Road in Wilmslow just opposite the Letter box so if you are going that way keep a look out for it".

The Breakfast Show Team

  • Rhys Hughes - Producer from Lincoln who supports Leeds United and seems to spend too much on-air time picking his nose.
  • Nick Ware - Editor. Often called Nick Tupperware. Have a look at the interview with him on the UKMRR Homepage. Mark recently described him as the weirdness person he had ever met. Mark said "We think he might be from Venus. It`s the texture of his skin. It`s very smooth, it doesn`t look human".
  • Christopher Lee - (Chester`s Dark Prince Of The Mandolin).
  • Michelle Choudhry - Production Assistant. Answers the phone. Has apparently invented her own alphabet so that Mark and Lard can't understand any of the messages that she passes to them.
  • Pat Coupe Production Assistant.
  • Nick Bell - Sound Supervisor
  • Patrick The Audience - Comes from Burnage. Bald, Pat Gallagher helps to provide the atmosphere during the show by going 'hurray' at irregular intervals and clapping like some mentally unstable child. His role in the show is growing and he has now reached the importance of being a Pixie dancer. He has 3 kids called Michael, James and Aemon. He also has a fireman brother called Mike. I believe that he is going out with someone called Fiona. On 8th August 1997 he left the show to go and work on a ship. Lard new Pat before the Breakfast show as Pat had edited Oink! comic which Lard had been a cartoonist for.
  • Duncan Hair In A Bun - Long haired man who stole the van in the first week of the show.

Other People Who Are Mentioned Sometimes

  • Earnie - Parcel Dispatch
  • Tommy - Security. Often carries out rubber glove searches.
  • Gary - Security
  • Loz Flash Robinson - Works At BBC Manchester
  • Julie - Press Officer
  • Charlie - Out services, looks like Sean Connery
  • Bridie - Canteen
  • Donna - Sports

In London

  • Caroline Atkinson - News, Travel and Weather. Sometimes known as 'The Voice'. She's married to a man called Dale who apparently works at a 'Sound Company'.
  • John Rohder - Sports News
  • Man Who Plays The Adverts

If you have any comments or suggestions then please email me.

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