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Mark & Lard

Mark Radcliffe Catchphrase Guide

Welcome to the guide of commonly used words or catchphrases on the Mark Radcliffe show. I hope to enlighten you on the language that the talk and tell you a little about when they are used. If the word has a next to it then you can download a .WAV sample of the Catchphrase.

The CocksUp Scrawn & Lard
Dictionary

2008 Edition

  • Ah Ha - Said by Lard when he thinks that he has said something funny.
  • Arse(6kb) - Bum, Rear end etc
  • Arse, Cobblers, Nackers - Lard`s phrase meaning meat, two veg and a nice helping of rump.

  • Behemoth - Large Mythical creature. "The Behemoth boy Lard"
  • Behemoth Boy Lard - A nickname for Lard
  • Behemoth Dave Lard - Same as above but only used a few times.
  • Best Bang On A Tune Then - Used by Lard when he sees that he and Mark have dug themselves into a hole and saying this gives them a convenient excuse to get out of any such situation. Also used when one of there comedy sketches goes completely wrong.
  • Biffa - Ugly bird
  • Big up Junglist Respect in the Area - You don't need to be Judge Jules or Pete Tong to say crap like this, Mark and Lard demonstrate their dance credentials by using these sort of phrases.
  • Biggedy Biggedy Bong - Lard's vocal drumming effect.
  • Billy Bollock Chops - A close friend of Lard who is often mentioned in the show. As his initials are BBC. Lard tried to sell the name of to the big bosses at the BBC. for merchandising purposes but they refused to bye the name.
  • Bit of Class - It`s very classy/stylish. Usually said after crude jokes or farty noises.
  • Bollocks - Well Bollocks.
  • Bobbins -Rubbish. Also an essential part in wool spinning.
  • Brazen as You Like - Mark and Lard often run into women who turn out to be as 'brazen as you like'.
  • The Breadknife - Wife or girlfriend.
  • Bu Bum(7kb) - Phase that is shouted by Lard or said by Mark whenever they say a hilarious joke.
  • Bum Cakes - Arse
  • Built Like A Brick Shithouse - Very muscly or just plain fat.

  • Cake Hole - Mouth
  • Can I thaw this out in your mental microwave? - Used in a meeting instead of "Can I run this by you" or "can I flag this up with you"
  • Children of the Monkey Basket - an occassional greeting from Mark to the listeners. Invented by one of the guests (either Andrew Collins or Stuart Maconie) as a ficticious band name.
  • Chuffin Bobbins - Very Crap
  • Cobblers(6kb) - What Lard says when he gets something wrong.
  • Cod, Fish, Battered Balls - Another Testicle reference.
  • Coffin Dodger - A really old person who by rights should be dead but for some reason still is managing to survive.
  • Competition Time!(128kb) - The jingle that Mark, Lard and Mark Kermode sing when the reach competition time.
  • Cooking On Classical Gas - Things are going very well. After a good sketch Lard can often be heard to say it. Classical Gas is also ex-drummer Tony Mcarrol's Latest band where he mixes the classics with his unforgettable drumming style.
  • Cor Blimey Charlie - Expression of amazement.

  • Daytime - Something suitable for the daytime radio (as opposed to the Graveyard Shift)
  • Don`t be Facetious - Used mainly by the Rabbi Lionel Blair but sometimes by Lard. It basically means Stop making those unwanted comments or in short a polite way of saying "Shut Up"
  • Doofer - A Thing
  • Drop A Bollock - Make a mistake or cock something up.
  • Dropped A Bad Un' - Something done by people who eat too many baked beans and sprouts.
  • The Ducks Nuts - The Dogs Bollocks

  • Each To Their Own - Fair enough if you find her attractive, but well, you wouldn`t.

  • Fair Enough - Usually said by Lard when he is admitting that he is in fact sad and useless.
  • Fancy A Brew ?(9kb) - Phrase often used by Lard to fill in any embarrassing spaces that occur when Mark Radcliffe forgets what to say next. He is asking is you want a cup of tea.
  • Fancy a Cabbage - Occasionally used as a variation on fancy a brew. lard used it once and was therafter inundated with requests for him to shout it out on air from listeners.
  • Flea and Hand Shandy - Mark and Lard`s local pub.
  • Flogging The Catchphrases..TO DEATH - Something they often do. When you have a great catchphrase you may as well use it as often as you can.
  • Foxy, Paddy(27kb) - Mark says Foxy then Lard says Paddy, sometimes Patrick says Ooohhh after it.
  • Frown On It - Lard of says things like "Well I bought this porn film a few weeks ago and I`ve been frowning on it for weeks." Lard`s way of saying that he doesn`t approve of such stuff. And if you believe that...
  • F*** My Hat I Didn`t Know That - A jingle that Mark and Lard used to play whenever someone says an amazing fact on the Night Time show..

  • Get To Bed!(8kb) - Right now you rebel.
  • Get To College(76kb)(ST) - Ditto
  • Get To Work(70kb)(ST) - Double Ditto
  • Get - Northern spelling of git e.g. "You`re an ugly get".
  • Good Call(7kb) - What Lard says when he thinks Mark has said something good.
  • Good Morrow, Waking Souls - Good Morning. - Mark's first words everyday on the Breakfast Show.
  • Gormless - Stupid or thick.
  • Graveyard Shift - Old Radio 1 time-slot from 10pm-12 pm Mon-Thursday.
  • Gubbins- Stuff

  • Hiya Mark!(9kb)- This is an expression Lard uses when Mark mentions him or any other fat useless thing in general. Mark says "And then I say an ugly smelly fat useless tosser" , "Hiya Mark!" comes Lard`s reply
  • Holding a candle under Gary Bushell - Possibly meaning modesty.
  • Honey- Someone who is attractive. Often applied to Simon Armitage. It is the opposite of Biffa.
  • Ho!, And If You Will Arse! A variation on the Ho Ho! and Arse phrases. Was used by Cirol Doricott a lot.
  • Ho Ho!(9kb) - Lard`s reaction to Marks jokes before he started using Bu Bum!

  • I Do Not Adam And Believe It - I don`t believe it (Mark and Lard`s version of the popular Victor Meldrew Catchphrase)
  • I`m Great Me - One of Lard`s new catchphrases, and who is going to argue with him.
  • It's a Good Night In - Something to do at home, usually listening to a radio show
  • It's a Good Point Well Put - Lard's response to a worthy comment
  • It's a link - either of them says something particular banal or unfunny or not particularly interesting in between a record, the other one may make excuses for it by saying "It's a link", i.e. ah well it's a link to the next record - but it obviously isn't
  • It's All Gone Horribly Pete Tong- When something goes wrong. Recently heard emanating from Lizzie Lanson's mouth!
  • It's Alright - Their highly in depth description of something they want to review.
  • It`s Believable(35kb) - What they say when they say something that is amazingly true.
  • I Wasn`t Listening Mate - Said by Lard when Mark asks his opinion of some deeply philosophical matter.

  • Job's a Good 'Un - Something worth doing or something generally good

  • Levenshulme Palace - Throbbing Nightspot in the heart of South East Manchester
  • Little Sugary Decorations - A phrase that allows him to talk about consuming large quantities of LSD without getting into trouble.

  • Morning Chaps - Said in a posh military style voice whenever they read out a request from any people in the military or who have posh jobs.
  • Must Get Some Oil For This Door(37kb) - What Lard says every time he opens the door to the vinyl vault.
  • Mustn't Grumble - Lard says this to remind you that althought things may seem bad, they probally could be a lot worse.

  • No Nononono!- Phrase used when mentioning Simon Armitage. Jokey reference to misread poem.
  • Norks - Breasts
  • Not Many Of Them To The Pound - Way of describing someone`s cobblers as rather large.
  • No offence mate - usually said immediately after Lard has insulted somebody, meaning "I've just insulted you but I'm only joking really".
  • Now there's a surprise - this hasn't been used for a while, but dates back to the Graveyard Shift, when, around October last year, Mark and Lard told us that BBC middle management had said the show wasn't surprising enough. So, they tried to make it more surprising (and let's face it, failed).

  • OOh, back in the knife draw! - Said by Lard when Mark has said something bitchy
  • Oh Yes! - Spoken in the style of Corky the policeman (played by Derek Guyler) in the early Seventies sitcom Sykes, used by both, but considerably better by Lard. He says it after hearing a tune that he really likes.
  • Oooh My Life(13kb) - Lard's new Breakfast Show catchphrase whenever he says something about his life or sometimes for no reason whatsoever.

  • Painting Pictures With Words - Something that they have to do a lot due to the radio not being very visual.
  • Palace Of Glittering Delights - The BBC`s Manchester Studio on Oxford Road. So called because it has a lot of windows.
  • Pop music lets go! - Mark used to say this on the graveyard shift when he had finished a link abruptly.
  • Post Haste - Used on the telephone quizes such as Flick or Trick when they want to say that they have to get down to a certain shop very quickly.
  • Public Service Broadcasting - said by either Mark or Lard when they say something that may be slightly useful or helpful to the listeners.
  • The Purple Headed Bedroom Python - Another Penis word.

  • Quality Item - Quality items are the many sketches or guest spots that they have on the show.

  • Rat Arsed - Meaning very pissed or drunk.
  • Rearange These Words Into A Well Known Sentance - What they say if they have just said something that makes no sence at all.
  • Red Beard, Thick Glasses - A universal description for everybody in the world. eg. Lard: "Who?" Mark: "You know Sarah Poon, Red Beard, Thick Glasses" Lard: "Oi aye, I know her". There are quite a few variations on this theme including: Big glasses, Big beard, Curly hair, Wears a trilby (all of those seem to describe Kim Newman - did they do this on purpose, we wonder?), Wears a wooly hat like Compo (From Last of the Summer Wine), Used to be a bus conductor in Bradford and A Swedish bloke with a beard.
  • Rock a fat one - have a good time (usually involving going out and getting ratted).

  • See Yer Again!(10kb) - Lard`s classic catchphrase which just means I`ll see you again.
  • Skinning The Competition, Alive! - Means that Mark and Lard are doing so well with their radio show that no other DJ's have a chance of competing with them.
  • Slam dunkin - Used on the C.C.C.C. when they introduce the top 3.
  • Stop,.... Carry On - Lard allows you to stop whatever you are doing for a brief break, before ordering you to restart your work.

  • That`s The Bunny(9kb) - Used by Lard to confirm a description of somebody or something, whether accurate or not. Use it when you forget a thing but then someone reminds you of what it is.
  • The Drumming Needs a Rocket Up It - What lard says to the studio band when he thinks that him on his drum machine would have done better
  • The One With The Red Beard? - Lard says this when Mark mentions someones name and Lard is not sure who Mark is talking about.
  • The Vibe On The Street Is Massive - Often followed by an offer by Lard to go down to the street to see how massive the "Vibe" is.
  • They Could Do Quite Well , With The Right Management - Often said when they have just played a record by a hugely succesful group such as Oasis or The Spice Girls.
  • Tickle It Up - Give the feature some hype. If the have a quality item coming up later Mark tells Lard to "Tickle It Up a Bit".
  • Tight As A Duck's Bottom(12kb) - Means that you are very mean or tight fisted and never give anyone anything.
  • Toby Milk Jug - One of Lard's new nicknames.
  • Tosser - Self-explanatory. Mark often calls Lard a Tosser.
  • Tosser De Mar - Spain
  • Tosspot - An insult often used against Lard by Mark.
  • Totty - Used to describe women, usually honies, as opposed to biffers
  • You Can Stop Up If You Like(86kb) - If Lard says it`s OK for you to stay up then it must be, so why not listen to the show till it finishes.
  • Trouser Snake - Penis
  • Tub Of Dead Pigs - A nickname of Lard's used for a short time on the Breakfast Show.
  • Two peas in a pod - Said when two songs sound so alike that it is clear that one has blatantly copied the other.

  • Vimtoing - Inviting the contents of your stomach to see daylight again ....

  • Waaaaarrrrrp! - A catchphrase that started on the Early Afternoon Show.
  • Well You Wouldn`t Would You ? - used by either Mark or Lard when they see a picture of an ugly biffer or bloke.
  • What's On The Clock Cock?(13kb) - Giving time checks every few minutes is an essential part of any Breakfast Show so this is what Mark says to Lard when he thinks that it is time for another one.
  • What You Been Up To Then?(14kb) - Mark`s first question to every guest or band who has ever come onto the show. No matter how important you are or if you have been on the show 100 times as soon as the microphones go up you will hear "What You Been Up To Then?"
  • Wickidy, Wickidy Waaaaarrrrrp! - A "Wild, Wild West" inspired variation of the Waaaaarrrrrp! catchphrase.
  • Wise Words! - Accompanied by a jingle and said by Mark and Lard whenever some wise words are read out.
  • Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? - Commonly used long sound.
  • Wrong!(85kb)(ST) - Said in unison by both of them to point out that you are wrong and that you are a stupid get.

  • You can't argue with that - Said by either, when the other has made a statement which is undeniably true (or so they think).
  • You Would - Same as above but used to describe an attractive bird or bloke.
  • You Wouldn`t Would You Weekly - A newspaper dedicated to ugly biffas.

Nil Fugit El Grabus Scrotumus


Sound Effects

  • Drumming(63kb) - Although it is Mark who can drum properly, Lard is the one who does the drumming on the show. He used to have a proper drum kit in the studio so that he could do Bu Bum`s after all the jokes and to piss off Mark but after being on The Breakfast Show someone sent him some electronic drum pads, which you used to be able to hear every night when Lard was there.
  • Explosion - Lard's explosive noise which he makes inbetween Mark's description of what is on the Dave Pierce show.
  • Fanfare, Mark's Normal One And Lard's Messed Up One(200kb) - Mark's has anormal fanfare but Lard's fanfare has gone all wrong and keeps changing speed.
  • Farty Noise(1kb) - Vibrations emitted from Lard`s hands which are often used to fill in gaps or to ruin the serious effect of classic records and solemn moments in the show.
  • Let It Rip! Novelty Fart Pot - A put containing a load of squidgy stuff which when pushed down makes a great farty noise. Beth Orten got hours of amusement out of it when she came in to do a session.
  • Never Ending Fanfare(489kb) - Used when they want to build up a big quality item, however whenever they start speaking the fanfare starts again.
  • Springy Noise(11kb) - Usually preceded by the noise of a zip and a heavy thud. Need we get any more graphic? OK then this is David Bowie`s erection. Zip unfastening followed by a thud - Lard`s .....er..... cobblers.

Words That They Use That Are Different And Better To Normal

  • Andy Parsnip - Andy Parfitt (Radio 1 Controller)
  • Alannis Nicorette - Alanis Morrisette
  • Alanis Vinagrette - Alanis Morrisette
  • Arse Kelly - R Kelly
  • Arsen Venga Boys - The Venga boys
  • The Backpassage Boys - The Backstreet Boys
  • Basement Jacksi - The Basement Jacks
  • Billy Ocean Colour Scene - Ocean Colour Scene
  • Boys 1 - Boyzone
  • Boz Eyed Cherry - Eagle Eyed Cherry
  • Broccoli Spears - Britney Spears
  • By Jovi - Bon Jovi
  • Cabbage Garden - Savage Garden
  • C.C. Penis Town - C.C. Peniston
  • The Chip Shop Boys - The Pet Shop Boys
  • Clive Warrington - Clive Warren
  • The Crappers - The Creepers
  • Dangerous Dave Pearce - Dave Pierce
  • Didy Dave Lee Travis - Dave Lee Travis (Former Radio 1 DJ)
  • Drinking Session - Evening Session
  • Evan Dildo - Evan Dando (Lemonheads) Used on the Greaveyard Shift only
  • Fat Boy Slimfast - Fat Boy Slim
  • Fit As A Butchers Dog Spice - Geri from the Spice Girls
  • Funky Si - Simon Mayo
  • Gap Toothed Gipsy Dave - Dave Pierce
  • Hairy Old Bastard -Dave Lee Travis
  • Jamie Rockwee - Jamirouquai
  • Jimmy Corkscrew - Jimmy Corkhill from Brookside
  • Jo Riley - Jo Whiley
  • John Birtwee - John Birt (Controller of The BBC)
  • Larry Foreskinsky - Larry Fortensky (Liz Taylor's ex-husband)
  • Les Fraser - Liz Fraser (Cocteau Twins)
  • Kevin Greenhorse - Kevin Greening
  • Kevin Greenalls - Kevin Greening
  • Lizzie Lanson - Lisa I`anson
  • Manic Street Cleaners - Manic Street Preachers
  • Manic Street Sweepers - Manic Street Cleaners
  • Manic Street Urchins - I`ll give you three guesses.
  • Mark GoodAcre - Mark Goodier
  • Mark Goodybags - Mark Goodier
  • Mary Anne Hobgoblin - Mary Anne Hobbs
  • Mary J Bilge - Mary J Blige
  • Massive Asthma Attack - Massive Attack
  • MC Henfo - Martin Henfield from the BBC North West news team
  • Michael Schmeichel - Peter Schmeichel
  • Mildly Alarming Dave Pierce - Dave Pierce
  • Monkey Boy - Mark Lamarr
  • Nicky Brambells - Nicky Campbell
  • Peeler Tater - Kula Shaker
  • Pick Nose The Producer - Rhyss The Producer
  • Potty Shed - Portishead
  • The Ra Gnomes - The Ramones
  • Roger Banister - Mathew Banister (Radio 1 Controller)
  • Roy Evans - Chris Evans
  • Run DMC V's Pat Nevin - Run DMC V's Jason Nevins
  • Shell Suit Spice - Mel C from the Spice Girls
  • Simon Hey Ho - Simon Mayo
  • Simon Mayonnaise - Simon Mayo
  • Steve Lurpac - Steve Lamacq
  • Steve Packamac - Steve Lamaqu
  • Tommy Tonderi - Mark Tonderi
  • Your Actual - Dave Pierce

You Can hear a more samples by going to the Sounds Page


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