CocksUp Scrawn & Lard
- Ah Ha - Said by Lard when he thinks that he has said
- Bum, Rear end etc
- Arse, Cobblers, Nackers - Lard`s phrase meaning meat, two
veg and a nice helping of rump.
- Behemoth - Large Mythical creature. "The Behemoth
- Behemoth Boy Lard - A nickname for Lard
- Behemoth Dave Lard - Same as above but only used a few
- Best Bang On A Tune Then - Used by Lard when he sees that
he and Mark have dug themselves into a hole and saying this gives
them a convenient excuse to get out of any such situation. Also used
when one of there comedy sketches goes completely wrong.
- Biffa - Ugly bird
- Big up Junglist Respect in the Area - You don't need to
be Judge Jules or Pete Tong to say crap like this, Mark and Lard
demonstrate their dance credentials by using these sort of phrases.
- Biggedy Biggedy Bong - Lard's vocal drumming effect.
- Billy Bollock Chops - A close friend of Lard who is often
mentioned in the show. As his initials are BBC. Lard tried to sell
the name of to the big bosses at the BBC. for merchandising purposes
but they refused to bye the name.
- Bit of Class - It`s very classy/stylish. Usually said
after crude jokes or farty noises.
- Bollocks - Well Bollocks.
- Bobbins -Rubbish. Also an essential part in wool
- Brazen as You Like - Mark and Lard often run into women
who turn out to be as 'brazen as you like'.
- The Breadknife - Wife or girlfriend.
- Bu Bum(7kb)
- Phase that is shouted by Lard or said by Mark whenever they say a
- Bum Cakes - Arse
- Built Like A Brick Shithouse - Very muscly or just plain
- Cake Hole - Mouth
- Can I thaw this out in your mental microwave? - Used in a
meeting instead of "Can I run this by you" or "can I
flag this up with you"
- Children of the Monkey Basket - an occassional greeting
from Mark to the listeners. Invented by one of the guests (either
Andrew Collins or Stuart Maconie) as a ficticious band name.
- Chuffin Bobbins - Very Crap
- What Lard says when he gets something wrong.
- Cod, Fish, Battered Balls - Another Testicle reference.
- Coffin Dodger - A really old person who by rights should
be dead but for some reason still is managing to survive.
- Competition Time!(128kb)
- The jingle that Mark, Lard and Mark Kermode sing when the reach
- Cooking On Classical Gas - Things are going very well.
After a good sketch Lard can often be heard to say it. Classical Gas
is also ex-drummer Tony Mcarrol's Latest band where he mixes the
classics with his unforgettable drumming style.
- Cor Blimey Charlie - Expression of amazement.
- Daytime - Something suitable for the daytime radio (as
opposed to the Graveyard Shift)
- Don`t be Facetious - Used mainly by the Rabbi Lionel
Blair but sometimes by Lard. It basically means Stop making those
unwanted comments or in short a polite way of saying "Shut Up"
- Doofer - A Thing
- Drop A Bollock - Make a mistake or cock something up.
- Dropped A Bad Un' - Something done by people who eat too
many baked beans and sprouts.
- The Ducks Nuts - The Dogs Bollocks
- Each To Their Own - Fair enough if you find her
attractive, but well, you wouldn`t.
- Fair Enough - Usually said by Lard when he is admitting
that he is in fact sad and useless.
- Fancy A Brew ?(9kb)
- Phrase often used by Lard to fill in any embarrassing spaces that
occur when Mark Radcliffe forgets what to say next. He is asking is
you want a cup of tea.
- Fancy a Cabbage - Occasionally used as a variation on
fancy a brew. lard used it once and was therafter inundated with
requests for him to shout it out on air from listeners.
- Flea and Hand Shandy - Mark and Lard`s local pub.
- Flogging The Catchphrases..TO DEATH - Something they
often do. When you have a great catchphrase you may as well use it
as often as you can.
- Foxy, Paddy(27kb)
- Mark says Foxy then Lard says Paddy, sometimes Patrick says Ooohhh
- Frown On It - Lard of says things like "Well I
bought this porn film a few weeks ago and I`ve been frowning on it
for weeks." Lard`s way of saying that he doesn`t approve of
such stuff. And if you believe that...
- F*** My Hat I Didn`t Know That - A jingle that Mark and
Lard used to play whenever someone says an amazing fact on the Night
- Get To Bed!(8kb)
- Right now you rebel.
- Get To College(76kb)(ST)
- Get To Work(70kb)(ST)
- Double Ditto
- Get - Northern spelling of git e.g. "You`re an ugly
- Good Call(7kb)
- What Lard says when he thinks Mark has said something good.
- Good Morrow, Waking Souls - Good Morning. - Mark's first
words everyday on the Breakfast Show.
- Gormless - Stupid or thick.
- Graveyard Shift - Old Radio 1 time-slot from 10pm-12 pm
- Gubbins- Stuff
- Hiya Mark!(9kb)-
This is an expression Lard uses when Mark mentions him or any other
fat useless thing in general. Mark says "And then I say an ugly
smelly fat useless tosser" , "Hiya Mark!" comes
- Holding a candle under Gary Bushell - Possibly meaning
- Honey- Someone who is attractive. Often applied to Simon
Armitage. It is the opposite of Biffa.
- Ho!, And If You Will Arse! A variation on the Ho Ho! and
Arse phrases. Was used by Cirol Doricott a lot.
- Ho Ho!(9kb)
- Lard`s reaction to Marks jokes before he started using Bu Bum!
- I Do Not Adam And Believe It - I don`t believe it (Mark
and Lard`s version of the popular Victor Meldrew Catchphrase)
- I`m Great Me - One of Lard`s new catchphrases, and who is
going to argue with him.
- It's a Good Night In - Something to do at home, usually
listening to a radio show
- It's a Good Point Well Put - Lard's response to a worthy
- It's a link - either of them says something particular
banal or unfunny or not particularly interesting in between a
record, the other one may make excuses for it by saying "It's a
link", i.e. ah well it's a link to the next record - but it
- It's All Gone Horribly Pete Tong- When something goes
wrong. Recently heard emanating from Lizzie Lanson's mouth!
- It's Alright - Their highly in depth description of
something they want to review.
- It`s Believable(35kb)
- What they say when they say something that is amazingly true.
- I Wasn`t Listening Mate - Said by Lard when Mark asks his
opinion of some deeply philosophical matter.
- Job's a Good 'Un - Something worth doing or something
- Levenshulme Palace - Throbbing Nightspot in the heart of
South East Manchester
- Little Sugary Decorations - A phrase that allows him to
talk about consuming large quantities of LSD without getting into
- Morning Chaps - Said in a posh military style voice
whenever they read out a request from any people in the military or
who have posh jobs.
- Must Get Some Oil For This Door(37kb)
- What Lard says every time he opens the door to the vinyl vault.
- Mustn't Grumble - Lard says this to remind you that
althought things may seem bad, they probally could be a lot worse.
- No Nononono!- Phrase used when mentioning Simon Armitage.
Jokey reference to misread poem.
- Norks - Breasts
- Not Many Of Them To The Pound - Way of describing
someone`s cobblers as rather large.
- No offence mate - usually said immediately after Lard has
insulted somebody, meaning "I've just insulted you but I'm only
- Now there's a surprise - this hasn't been used for a
while, but dates back to the Graveyard Shift, when, around October
last year, Mark and Lard told us that BBC middle management had said
the show wasn't surprising enough. So, they tried to make it more
surprising (and let's face it, failed).
- OOh, back in the knife draw! - Said by Lard when Mark has
said something bitchy
- Oh Yes! - Spoken in the style of Corky the policeman
(played by Derek Guyler) in the early Seventies sitcom Sykes, used
by both, but considerably better by Lard. He says it after hearing a
tune that he really likes.
- Oooh My Life(13kb)
- Lard's new Breakfast Show catchphrase whenever he says something
about his life or sometimes for no reason whatsoever.
- Painting Pictures With Words - Something that they have
to do a lot due to the radio not being very visual.
- Palace Of Glittering Delights - The BBC`s Manchester
Studio on Oxford Road. So called because it has a lot of windows.
- Pop music lets go! - Mark used to say this on the
graveyard shift when he had finished a link abruptly.
- Post Haste - Used on the telephone quizes such as Flick
or Trick when they want to say that they have to get down to a
certain shop very quickly.
- Public Service Broadcasting - said by either Mark or Lard
when they say something that may be slightly useful or helpful to
- The Purple Headed Bedroom Python - Another Penis word.
- Quality Item - Quality items are the many sketches or
guest spots that they have on the show.
- Rat Arsed - Meaning very pissed or drunk.
- Rearange These Words Into A Well Known Sentance - What
they say if they have just said something that makes no sence at
- Red Beard, Thick Glasses - A universal description for
everybody in the world. eg. Lard: "Who?" Mark: "You
know Sarah Poon, Red Beard, Thick Glasses" Lard: "Oi aye,
I know her". There are quite a few variations on this theme
including: Big glasses, Big beard, Curly hair, Wears a trilby (all
of those seem to describe Kim Newman - did they do this on purpose,
we wonder?), Wears a wooly hat like Compo (From Last of the Summer
Wine), Used to be a bus conductor in Bradford and A Swedish bloke
with a beard.
- Rock a fat one - have a good time (usually involving
going out and getting ratted).
- See Yer Again!(10kb)
- Lard`s classic catchphrase which just means I`ll see you again.
- Skinning The Competition, Alive! - Means that Mark and
Lard are doing so well with their radio show that no other DJ's have
a chance of competing with them.
- Slam dunkin - Used on the C.C.C.C. when they introduce
the top 3.
- Stop,.... Carry On - Lard allows you to stop whatever you
are doing for a brief break, before ordering you to restart your
- That`s The Bunny(9kb)
- Used by Lard to confirm a description of somebody or something,
whether accurate or not. Use it when you forget a thing but then
someone reminds you of what it is.
- The Drumming Needs a Rocket Up It - What lard says to the
studio band when he thinks that him on his drum machine would have
- The One With The Red Beard? - Lard says this when Mark
mentions someones name and Lard is not sure who Mark is talking
- The Vibe On The Street Is Massive - Often followed by an
offer by Lard to go down to the street to see how massive the "Vibe"
- They Could Do Quite Well , With The Right Management -
Often said when they have just played a record by a hugely succesful
group such as Oasis or The Spice Girls.
- Tickle It Up - Give the feature some hype. If the have a
quality item coming up later Mark tells Lard to "Tickle It Up a
- Tight As A Duck's Bottom(12kb)
- Means that you are very mean or tight fisted and never give anyone
- Toby Milk Jug - One of Lard's new nicknames.
- Tosser - Self-explanatory. Mark often calls Lard a
- Tosser De Mar - Spain
- Tosspot - An insult often used against Lard by Mark.
- Totty - Used to describe women, usually honies, as
opposed to biffers
- You Can Stop Up If You Like(86kb)
- If Lard says it`s OK for you to stay up then it must be, so why
not listen to the show till it finishes.
- Trouser Snake - Penis
- Tub Of Dead Pigs - A nickname of Lard's used for a short
time on the Breakfast Show.
- Two peas in a pod - Said when two songs sound so alike
that it is clear that one has blatantly copied the other.
- Vimtoing - Inviting the contents of your stomach to see
daylight again ....
- Waaaaarrrrrp! - A catchphrase that started on the Early
- Well You Wouldn`t Would You ? - used by either Mark or
Lard when they see a picture of an ugly biffer or bloke.
- What's On The Clock Cock?(13kb)
- Giving time checks every few minutes is an essential part of any
Breakfast Show so this is what Mark says to Lard when he thinks that
it is time for another one.
- What You Been Up To Then?(14kb)
- Mark`s first question to every guest or band who has ever come
onto the show. No matter how important you are or if you have been
on the show 100 times as soon as the microphones go up you will hear
"What You Been Up To Then?"
- Wickidy, Wickidy Waaaaarrrrrp! - A "Wild, Wild West"
inspired variation of the Waaaaarrrrrp! catchphrase.
- Wise Words! - Accompanied by a jingle and said by Mark
and Lard whenever some wise words are read out.
- Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? - Commonly used long sound.
- Said in unison by both of them to point out that you are wrong and
that you are a stupid get.
- You can't argue with that - Said by either, when the
other has made a statement which is undeniably true (or so they
- You Would - Same as above but used to describe an
attractive bird or bloke.
- You Wouldn`t Would You Weekly - A newspaper dedicated to
El Grabus Scrotumus