T o p O f T h eP o p s

[Cast Play Free Me, John Power is wearing a ridiculous Dear Hunter hat]

Mark: Greetings space cadets and welcome to Can't Cook, Won't Cook and tonights celebrity chefs include.

Lard: The Charlatans, some banging dance clobber and that lot (points to Cast) some people call them 'Carst',

M: But they're wrong, it's Cast, meanwhile over here Michael Jackson's Nephews named after a Sci-fi film.

L: 3T, the extra-terrestrials

[3T - Gotta Be You, awful tune, crap haircuts]

M: 3T, Two coffee, nice slice of fruitcake, into the top four at number 3.

L: Right and next up from right across the pond, that's the Isle Of Man, No Doubt, Don't Speak.

[No Doubt - Don't Speak]

L: And now for my favourite band in the world ever.. entrance (pronounced entrance)

M: Entrance, with the new craze that's sweeping the nation - Disco Music.

L: What's that then?

M: It's what you hear at the funfair, if you want to go faster just scream.

[Entrance - D.I.S.C.O.]

M: Entance and D.I.S.C.O. which is short for Disco-thee-teh-que.

L: I agree with you Mark (putting his head on Mark's shoulder)

M: Now this next lot have come a long way since they went everywhere in a clapped out Bedford Rascal van.

L: They've got two now.

M: From Rock City Northwich.

L: The Charlatans

[The Charlatans - North Country Boy]

M: Top 2 from the Charlatans 'North Country Boy', come on Lard you do one.

L: Right next up is DJ Quicksilver and, cards on the table, I've never heard of him.

M: Oh yeah you have, DJ Quicksilver, Derick Quicksilver, Quicksy, you know he's got red hair, big glasses.

L: I know him.

M: Big lad for 12, here he is, 'Bellissima'

[DJ Quicksilver- Bellissima, No words just a load of townies jumping up and down]

M: The only great thing about being in a double act is that you get to share the work load, right our kid?

L: (Gives Mark Thumbs Up Sign)

M: That was DJ Quicksilver.

L: (Gives Mark Thumbs Up Sign)

M: And now into the top 13 at number 12, Living Joy.

L: (Gives Mark Thumbs Up Sign)

M: (Looks at Lard) Where would I be without him?

[Living Joy - Where Can I Find Love?, woman in Jamiroqui style hat who's singing is unintelligible]

L: Living Joy, where can I find Love?

M: I wouldn't worry about that our kid.

(Both do mock laughter)

M: Here's the Top 10. At 10 It's 'Gotta Be you', 3T featuring Herbie.

L: At 9 Encore En Fois, Sash

M: 8, Hit Em high, Be Real, Busta Rhymes

L: 7, Free me from Cast

M: At 6 a new entry for DJ Quicksilver, Bellissima

L: At 5 I Believe I Can Fly, R Kelly

M: New at number 4, North country Boy, The Charlatans

L: Stayin at 3 Don't speak, No Doubt

M: At 2 Who Do You Think You Are? down from 1 The Spice Girls.

L: Straight in at the top this week a band who struggled for years as The Chemical Toilet Brothers.

M: But they dropped the bog bit and they've nabbed the top spot with the whoppin Block Rockin Beats, The Chemical Brothers.

[The Chemicals Brothers video is Shown]

M: The Chemical Brothers, Donald and Derick Domestos.

L: I didn't even know they were related.

M: Next week your genial host Mark Owen, to play us out, Spice girls, Who's your favourite Lard?

L: Fit as a Butchers Dog Spice

M: I'm a Shell Suit Spice fan myself

M & L: Ta ra now.

[The Spice Girls video plays the show out]