T o p O f T h eP o p s

[No Mercy - Please don't Go]

Mark: Hello children everywhere, this is the BBC Television Service.

Lard: This is Top Of the Pops and that was No Mercy.

Mark: They used to be waiters.

Lard: Oi! Lads, pot of tea for two.

Mark: Quick over there, Placebo.

[Placebo - Bruise Pristine, Brian is wearing a short black dress]

Mark: That was Placebo, Brian the singer wants every man in the UK to get into make-up. What do you reckon Lard?

(Lard turns round wearing really stupid looking lipstick and blusher)

Lard: Wot?

Mark: Right, you've heard of Sid & Nancy, this one's Skunk Anansie.

Lard: Which ones Skunk?

Mark: Quick over there.

[Skunk Anansie - Brazen (Weap)]

Mark: Right this next lot, 1st big hit in 12 years.

Lard: Brilliant

Mark: Loads of cash rollin' in, Album next Summer.

Lard: Fantastic

Mark: Just spent a week in Belgium.

Lard: Can't win em' all.

Mark: Katrina & The Waves

[Katrina & The Waves - Love Shine A Light]

Mark: Katrina & The Waves

Lard: Which One's Katrina?

Mark: It's the one with the tash.

Lard: Right

Mark: Now this is the theme tune to the dead, dead popular programme about some friends, called Friends.

Lard: I don't know anybody who doesn't like Friends.

Mark: I don't like it.

Lard: No, neither do I. Oh Rembrandts

[Rembrandts - I'll be There For you, featuring the cast of it trying to play the guitars and drums. N.B. I do like Friends, it's top]

Lard: The Rembrandts, I'll tell you what, they're no oil paintings, ha ha.

Mark: Very good Lard, Now this next lot are doing an Eric Clapton song "You Look Wonderful Tonight", follow up to the less successful "You look dead rough this morning".

Lard: Oh look, it's Damage.

[Damage - Wonderful Tonight]

Mark: Damage and Wonderful Tonight. Look out boys and girls..

Lard: It's the chart rundown

(Mark and Lard move their fingers through the air as if they are following a plane)

Lard: At 10 Bellisima, DJ Quicksilver

Mark: At 9 a new entry, I Don't Want To - Toni Braxton

Lard: At 8 I Believe I Can Fly - R Kelly

Mark: At 7 You Might Need Somebody - Shola Ama

Lard: At 6 Wonderful Tonight - Damage

Mark: At 5 Love Fool - The Cardigans

Lard: At 4 New Entry, Please Don't Go - No Mercy

Mark: At 3 Love Shine A Light - Katrina & The Waves

Lard: And At 2 Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman And Andre Bocelli

Mark: And At Number 1 for the second week running You Are Not Alone, Olive are Top Of the Pops.

Lard: Which one's Olive?

Mark: The one with the trombone

[Olive - You Are Not Alone]

Mark: Number 1 for Olive, now Top Of the Pops couldn't afford us two weeks running, you'll have to manage with the Spice Girls next week.

Lard: Can I do this bit?

Mark: Go on then.

Lard: Now it's time for Sarah Brightman and Andre Bocelli

(Lard pushes out his chest so we can read his new T-Shirt that says "Sarah Brightman's Number 1 Fan")

Mark: Now it's time to say goodbye.

Lard: Goodbye.

Mark: Over there!

[Sarah Brightman and Andre Bocelli - Time To Say Goodbye, quite a disturbing song, Sarah Brightman is obviously a goth and the man has a beard which she preceded to stroke during the song. It appears to be some kind of opera music.]