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On the 24th May 1997 Mark and Lard did their second Top Of the Pops Appearance, here is a transcript of that show.

No Mercy on TOTP

Mark & Lard in matching shirts

[No Mercy - Please don't Go]

Mark: Hello children everywhere, this is the BBC Television Service.

Lard: This is Top Of the Pops and that was No Mercy.

Mark: They used to be waiters.

Lard: Oi! Lads, pot of tea for two.

Mark: Quick over there, Placebo.

Placebo on TOTP

[Placebo - Bruise Pristine, Brian is wearing a short black dress]

Mark: That was Placebo, Brian the singer wants every man in the UK to get into make-up. What do you reckon Lard?

Lard wearing lipstick & blusher

(Lard turns round wearing really stupid looking lipstick and blusher)

Lard: Wot?

Mark: Right, you've heard of Sid & Nancy, this one's Skunk Anansie.

Lard: Which ones Skunk?

Mark: Quick over there.

[Skunk Anansie - Brazen (Weap)]

Mark: Right this next lot, 1st big hit in 12 years.

Lard: Brilliant

Mark: Loads of cash rollin' in, Album next Summer.

Lard: Fantastic

Mark: Just spent a week in Belgium.

Lard: Can't win em' all.

Mark & Lard introduce Katrina & The Waves

Mark: Katrina & The Waves

[Katrina & The Waves - Love Shine A Light]

Mark: Katrina & The Waves

Lard: Which One's Katrina?

Mark: It's the one with the tash.

Lard: Right

Mark: Now this is the theme tune to the dead, dead popular programme about some friends, called Friends.

Lard: I don't know anybody who doesn't like Friends.

Mark: I don't like it.

Lard: No, neither do I. Oh Rembrandts

[Rembrandts - I'll be There For you, featuring the cast of it trying to play the guitars and drums. N.B. I do like Friends, it's top]

Lard: The Rembrandts, I'll tell you what, they're no oil paintings, ha ha.

Mark & Lard introduce Damage

Mark: Very good Lard, Now this next lot are doing an Eric Clapton song "You Look Wonderful Tonight", follow up to the less successful "You look dead rough this morning".

Lard: Oh look, it's Damage.

[Damage - Wonderful Tonight]

Mark: Damage and Wonderful Tonight. Look out boys and girls..

Lard: It's the chart rundown

Mark & Lard point in the air

(Mark and Lard move their fingers through the air as if they are following a plane)

Lard: At 10 Bellisima, DJ Quicksilver

Mark: At 9 a new entry, I Don't Want To - Toni Braxton

Lard: At 8 I Believe I Can Fly - R Kelly

Mark: At 7 You Might Need Somebody - Shola Ama

Lard: At 6 Wonderful Tonight - Damage

Mark: At 5 Love Fool - The Cardigans

Lard: At 4 New Entry, Please Don't Go - No Mercy

Mark: At 3 Love Shine A Light - Katrina & The Waves

Lard: And At 2 Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman And Andre Bocelli

Olive on TOTP

Mark: And At Number 1 for the second week running You Are Not Alone, Olive are Top Of the Pops.

Lard: Which one's Olive?

Mark: The one with the trombone

[Olive - You Are Not Alone]

Mark: Number 1 for Olive, now Top Of the Pops couldn't afford us two weeks running, you'll have to manage with the Spice Girls next week.

Lard: Can I do this bit?

Mark: Go on then.

Lard: Now it's time for Sarah Brightman and Andre Bocelli

Lard in a Sarah Brightman t-shirt

(Lard pushes out his chest so we can read his new T-Shirt that says "Sarah Brightman's Number 1 Fan")

Mark: Now it's time to say goodbye.

Lard: Goodbye.

Mark: Over there!

[Sarah Brightman and Andre Bocelli - Time To Say Goodbye, quite a disturbing song, Sarah Brightman is obviously a goth and the man has a beard which she preceded to stroke during the song. It appears to be some kind of opera music.]

This is probally their last ever TOTP appearance as Mark and Lard are apparently too ugly to host Top Of The Pops again. Send any comments and suggestions to my email

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