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Menu: After a long career, Hank Marvin (born in Newcastle) of The Shadows finally makes it onto HTN, Sweet Jesus interviewed, a thing about boxing, Martin Vincent's Definative Guide To Making Radio Packages Part II and Sugar Merchant are in session. Man Who Eats His Tea is eating a banana.
What Occured: Following on from the rip-snorting success of the "echo mic" of a fortnight ago, Radcliffe has been out and bought a "Mr. Hammer Rap Mic".
Lard challenges him to display his skills with it, but Scrawn refuses, saying he does not feel vibed up to his full wickedness yet. But he'll have a a go later in the show.
Eventually, following constant barracking from Lard, Scrawn does his rap. Lard proceeds to dis Scrawn big style, saying his rap was bobbins. So Scrawn throws down the gauntlet and Lard does a totally bazzing, off-the-cuff rap, proving that he is indeed the Fresh Prince M.C. Riley of Levenshulme. It is hilarious.
The show finishes on "Tubular Bells" being invaded by the sound of the rap mic. But then I'm sure you already guesses that far, didn't you?
18/11/92: Weather Reports
Gareth Jones from Saltash writes a letter offering seasonal cheer, together with a multitude of innuendos (e.g. roasting your nuts on the fire), accompanied by appropriate 'Ho-Hows' from Lardy Boy.
The letter is sent with various presents; Lard gets some outdated lard cake; Radcliffe gets a cosy Santa hat, and Pumpy Boy (Frank Sidebottom) gets some twiglets.
This starts the 'Presents Please' craze which carries on through to Radio 1.
Radcliffe asks Lard to go and look up the BBC Green Paper on the Future of Broadcasting. Unfortunately Lard mistakes the request and brings back some Rizzlas from Rusholme for Radcliffe's herbal ciggies.
He also asks Lard to bring in Joy Division's 'Atmosphere' in to sing along with at the end of the show. However, as always, Lard gets it wrong and instead brings in Russ Abbott's version. What follows is a hilarious sing - along.
In the wake of the Charles / Diana split - The BBC (i.e. Lard in a posh voice) announces the split of Mark and Lard.
Radcliffe acts forlorn throughout the show, trying to put a brave face on things. To try and help him get out more he studies the 'Teenage Dance Book' by Betty White to enhance his social skills. For example, to improve your dancing, 'go into a huddle with your teenage friends, and find out who is a natural or someone who has studied social dancing at an accredited school. Get him to go over the first steps with you.'
Radcliffe wonders what Lard is doing and fades him up in the other studio; however he finds him phoning Richard Coles, presenter of The Mix, trying to blag his way onto his show.
When closing the show however Radcliffe can't find 'Tubular Bells' (the closing music). Lard sees he's in trouble runs to assist but Radcliffe shuns him.
16/12/92: Yeah, Yeah
Radcliffe is sitting at home listening to himself on the radio. Lard has organised the Office Party for the same night as the show so they had to prerecord it and put broadcast it on tape.
It is a fancy dress party and Mark and Mark are going as 'Liver and Onions'. Lard arrives at Radcliffe's house but is knocking on the wrong door; Radcliffe says the Onyx lantern should have given it away.
However Lard has turned up in a comedy bacon outfit, not liver. Radcliffe sends him off to 'Levenshulme Liver Fancy Dress World' to change.
They set off in Lard's Dolomite. At a stop off at an Offie Radcliffe has no cash, so Lardy has to pay; 6 crates of alcohol free lager for Lard, 2 bottles of rum and some chocolates for Radcliffe. They impress the cashier with the fact they're on the radio, and get the shopkeeper to turn it on. Confronted with an appalling reception, Radcliffe says 'yeah, that sounds like radio 5'.
On arrival at the BBC reception, Tommy the security guard (Lard in a funny voice) doesn't recognise him and refuses to let him in as he's an onion. He's been listening to the radio so it can't be him. To prove this Tommy turns on the radio to find Radcliffe saying:
"And so I said to him, 'Blah blah ho-how etc. etc. blah blah blah ho-how etc. etc.' Eh lard! What do you think you're doing, get out of my studio! Ho Pumpy Boy, brilliant eh? ho-how etc. etc. Cud - Rich and Strange. Not 'arf." [Which sums up the entire three years of Hit The North quite well!]
After blagging their way in, they find a deserted dance floor, despite Lard sending out 400 invites. One bloke is standing in the corner, Andy Diagram, ex of James in his Bell suit.
Radcliffe goes up to the office to get out of the way. When he comes back down he finds Pumpy Boy alone grooving, dressed as Paul Michael Glazier and Little Frank as David Sole. After Pumpy has some shandy, he starts to go and chat up the Liver (Lard). Liver has had crate of alcohol-free lager and Pumpy pulls him. When they find out each other's real identities, all hell breaks lose!
The final episode of presents please sees them all receiving four lots of presents.
Radcliffe finally turns back to the 'real' show, finding all three talking very soberly and wishing all a merry Xmas.
30/12/92 - 'Nearly new-year Hit The North'
Radcliffe details some 12th night customs: bake a cake with bean inside, and whoever gets the bean is king for day.
Lard saves a joke throughout the show and then finally delivers it, saying that when Radcliffe asked Giant Haystacks (the week's guest) about his hair blending in, he wondered if he wasn't 'needling the haystack'.
With the hype of WWF at the time, Radcliffe laments the great Christmas for music, with that and Whitney Houston.
At the end of the show a wrestling match takes place, between the Masked Lard from Levenshulme and the Masked man from Timperley (Frank Sidebottom) and the Masked Puppet from Timperley (Little Frank). Needless to say it descends into a shouting match.
13/1/98 - Hard News
The show beings with a huge throbbing build up.
Radcliffe starts proclaiming he has the finger on the pulse and is the deliverer of exclusives the music press print a week late. He announces Cornershop's first ever live session. 'Forget Peel, forget Goodier,.....where I fear to tread, angels follow, or something.' He says 'You can read about me in the rock press,... my face means bums on seats'.
It soon transpires that the reason for this self - aggrandisement is that Radcliffe has been in the press. He happens to have a copy of the Melody Maker handy, and gets Lard to look at page 3. After exclaiming repeatedly over inconsequential stories in order to try and downgrade Radcliffe's achievement, he is finally forced to look at the 'Pixies Split' story. This is a big exclusive - 'Frank Black falls out with Black Francis'; having 'confirmed the news in an interview with Mark Radcliffe on last week's Hit The North'
However, Lard scoffs at how excited Radcliffe is by being in the music press, claiming 'I've been in the press for years on end'. Radcliffe asks him where the evidence is and Lardy says its in his scrapbook. 'Conveniently left at home, I suppose', Radcliffe conjectures. It is actually upstairs, and Lard goes and fetches it.
Radcliffe asks to hear some gems from his colourful past in the rock press. Reluctantly Lard reads out the first story. '1968...The Levenshulme primary production of the Snow Queen was a marvel to be seen...blah blah...average age seven years...blah blah...Marc Riley gave a completely believable performance as a tree'; from the Levenshulme Independent, 1968.
He then finds another, from the Levenshulme Guardian & Explorer, 1975. 'Marc, aged 14, very nearly drowned when his trunks slipped off his anus and smothered his face'.
Mark wants a closer look and grabs the book. He finds that Lard has tippexed out the real names and put his in instead with a John Bull printing set. Lard claims that it's just weird paper. However, the stories are nothing to do with him. Radcliffe then finds another, where several pigeons have been injured by a youth with a 'large proboscis and soiled trousers'. This seems to be the only genuine story about Lard, but he claims he must have pasted the wrong side down.
27/1/93 - End at the Beginning
The show opens with a fairy tale story of a young lad who wanted to be a DJ, who's problem was solved by a fairy Lard mother.
Later in the show Mark reads a letter out from the band Collapsed Lung, which proclaims Lard as one of Britain's best song writers, and 'why aren't you doing any music, we need you!'.
Lard mentions in passing that he's looked everywhere for a band for the show that night but couldn't get one. Radcliffe though, puts to Lard that he's one of Britain's best song writers so he could do a set. Lard happens to have his guitar handy, being a creative minstrel, so he promises to do a session later in the show.
The first piece Lard describes as 'an ambient piece which celebrates the spherical sphere of the universe and the magnetic influence on the spherical objects found on the spherical earth', entitled ' Who will let me in through the door of light?'.
Needless to say the music is awful, and Mark interjects half way through, saying its a shame he messed it up live on air. But this was the real thing, and Lard asks what he's doing, 'that was the door of light'. Radcliffe thought he'd just broken a string. According to Lard, it was a textured piece.
Later on Lard performs a spoken word piece, called 'Woodpecker'.I am not but a woodpecker, With nay a beak in sight, Not a winged birdy type thing, But a pecker made of wood, Not capable of flight! Strip back my bark, Let my sap rise, Oh terrible tsetse fly.
Radcliffe proclaims this as bloody awful. They then do the interview that normally happens with session guests. Radcliffe asks Lard what his influences are. Lard says Henry Rollins, who's doing a tour at the moment. Radcliffe asks him when he first saw Rollins - Sunday night, says Lard.
The final number is 'Ambient crossed with Performance Art', called 'Saw through the plank of pain'. This consists of screeching of violins and screaming. This really moves Radcliffe, who claims it all now makes sense.
10/2/93 - Lard Free Zone
Lard begins the show singing along to Suite 2 No.1 of Prokofiev's Romeo & Juliet. He builds himself up and deprecates Radcliffe because he is running the show again, claiming 'Lardy Boy is no more than a cartoon character I portray in order to make that insecure pop non-personality Mark Radcliffe feel comfortable and not in the least bit intimidated by my sexuality'.
It then appears that this is just a rehearsal and Lard does not realise he is on air...Balls, Ghoulies, Here's a record!
Near the end of the show Lard introduces a Bolton lad who's had a big break in showbusiness, presenting a forthcoming arts show to be aired on Radio 1.
This is of course Radcliffe, who Lard pretends to interview as if he was a normal guest.
Radcliffe soon breaks up the sham, claiming its sad that he's left the show for one week and Lard couldn't get any guests of his own.
Lard tries to pursue with the questioning, asking him about some of the great names in radio that must have been a great help to his career, though when Radcliffe replies with Peel and not himself a slanging match inevitably ensues.
Thanks very much to Chris Wyatt for sending in all the info on this page.
except 21/10/92 by Tim Eames
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