1. Whad`ya Mean The Show Starts at 6.30
Mark and Lard threatened to leave Radio 1 unless they were given a
daytime slot so they started a big campaign. "That`s daytime
material" they would say after each quality item, "It`s
wasted here at night". Mark managed to purchase a mobile phone
for under a grand (bargain) so that he could negotiate with Roger
Bannister. They missed Roger`s call telling them that they could go
on daytime because Mark and Lard had both left the studio to go for
a slash but Roger who was obviously desperate not to lose Mark and
Lard phoned again and the job was theirs. As their show ended at
midnight and The Breakfast show started early in the morning they
decided that it was not worth going home so they slept on the floor
of the BBC Manchester Studio. They set their alarm clock for 6.30am
thinking that the show started at 7.00am.
At 6.30 Dave Pierce finished his show and said that after the News
would be Mark and Lard, the news finished and .... silence,
Rrrrringgg! Mark and Lard stumbled out of bed and they were starting
to get dressed when the phone rang
"Hello, ...Whatt! Bloody hell Lard" said Mark, "That
was Dave Pierce and he said that we are on air now, the show starts
at 6.30 not 7.00, BOLLOCKS!"
2. Mark Kermode Quits
was, I think, July 1995 (that week's NME had a piece about Supergrass
at Glastonbury), and Mark Kermode was doing Cult Film Corner on some
Elvis film or other. Towards the end of the show Mark and Lard were
joking on air about Elvis' drugs habit, at which point Mark suddenly
shouted words to the effect of
"Right! I have had enough of this, so sod you, because I
quit!"followed shortly afterwards by a slamming of
headphones hitting the desk. He didn't reappear for a couple of weeks,
and later while answering listener's questions replied to somebody's
question 'Did you really walk out of the show the other week?' in the
affirmative. Nice to see he carried out his threat to quit.
3. I Love Claire
After meeting Clare Sturgess Lard was immediately attracted to
her. At any mention of her name Mark would play the "David
Bowie Erection Sound Effect" Sproooing! This went on all
through the show and in the middle of most of the records. When the
show finished, instead of saying a professional "Thanks Mark"
Clare burst into laughter and giggled insanely until she managed to
press the button to play the first record.
Lard's Song for Claire
4. I`ll see you in court
Lard threatened to sue Mark unless he played a
Creepers record. Mark refused on the
grounds that The Creepers were bobbins but Lard went into a sulk and
refused to talk to Mark. Eventually Mark had had enough of his sulking
sidekick as the show was going downhill without any sound of "Fancy
A Brew" or "Hiya Mark" so Mark gave in, he put the
record in the turntable, "Baby`s on fire, Better throw her in the
water" came the voice of Marc Riley with the Creepers.
"Bollocks to it Lard I`ll see you in court" said the DJ.
as he ripped the needle off the turntable.
5. The Studio`s On Fire Lard
Either or both of Mark and Lard were using the CD players
as drums. This caused it to start filling the room with smoke so Mark,
Lard and Katie were forced to rush out of the smoke filled room, down
a long corridor, and into a spare studio which was usually used by
Radio 5. They had to play 4 or 5 records in a row whilst this was
going on to give them time to set up the new studio They were unable
to stop laughing and the show soon went into anarchy as they had left
all their jingles and quality items in the burning studio.
6. Lard Waving Out Of The Window At 11.00p.m.
At around Christmas time Lard got a rare idea for the
show, at 11.00p.m. he would stick his head out of the window at The
Palace of Glittering Delights and wave to the crowds who had
gathered below, at least that was what was meant to happen. Mark and
Lard started building this item up from the moment the show started
at 10.00p.m. They gave out requests for people to gather outside the
Manchester Studio, and after virtually every record Lard further
built up the item "Only 20 to go" he would say. At the
appointed time Mark sent Lard to the window, at first he just peeped
out to check if anyone was actually there "I to not adamant
believe it" he shouted excitedly as he saw that a few people
with nothing better to do with their lives than wait outside a BBC
studio on a cold and snowy night had actually turned up (I would
have gone if it were not for the fact that I live to far away). Mark
Radcliffe unable to believe that anyone was actually there went to
have a peek and was stunned. Lard plucked up his courage and opened
the window stuck his head out and waved at the multitudes. Below
were about 10 cold people who on seeing Lard gave a cheer and pelted
him with snowballs. Lard triumphantly and rather snowball covered
moved back into the safety of the studio. They were obviously
desperate for links so they sent their studio guest (either Andrew
Collins or Stuart Maconie-I can't remember which one) out into the
cold to fetch one of the snowball throwers. The cold listener was
brought inside and when asked about the experience announced that
that day had been a very special day and when he saw the fat Manc
leaning out of the window he knew his life was complete.-something
like that anyway.
Here is a first hand account of what happened that
night by James Cooper who was one of the people who waited outside
the studio to see Lard waving.
Last winter, Mark and Lard put out a request for people to come
and stand outside the studio so they could 'Wave from the balcony'
- a real quality item. (they don't actually have a balcony, and
they can't open any of the windows) so I rushed down there and a
small crowd had gathered. We were talking when they appeared at
the window. We waved, they waved and then it was getting a bit
lame, so I decided to throw a snowball at them. Their window is on
the 2nd or 3rd floor, so it was quite a way up, and most of the
snowballs were missing the window, then Lard made this sort of
'come on then' gesture, and I threw it really hard at him, and it
exploded right in front of his face, and he jumped back, as if the
snowball was going to hit him! then we were all laughing at Lard,
7. The Flaming Stars batter Lard
the Flaming Stars had Finished a Song that they were doing in session
on the show Lard said "That`ll be good when it`s finished".
The song was finished and the Flaming stars were not amused so they
battered up Lard (Or so Mark keeps on telling us anyway).
8. Baby Bird are Thieves
When Baby Bird were playing in session they borrowed Mark and Lard`s
new Dust coats to muffle their drums but instead of giving them back
they ran off with them.. The thieving gits.
Not only that their song You`re Gorgeous was nicked of a
Manchester band called Baby Bloke Check the evidence
And lets not forget the time Lard stabbed Jim White with his pen knife
live on air (by accident) and the time that Mark sacked Lard from the
Great Moment Number 2 written by Simon Tyers, First hand account for
Great Moment 6 by James Cooper, also thanks to Graham, all the rest by me.