SongBookThe Claire Sturgess Song

Sung Over Travel Jingle Type Thing

Lard: Oh love and sexy romance,
      They are blossoming in the air,
      On Roger Bannisters 1 FM you know,
      Between yours truly, Lardy boy and the Goddess Of The Night
Mark: Well what does she look like Lardy?
L:    I don`t know!
      Oh but beggars can`t be choosy and I think I`ll chance my arm,
      Cos we`re kindred spirits, we`re both on radio,
      She`s got her own four hour show every single night.
M:    Yes and you sit opposite me and go "Ho Ho!"
L:    Ho Ho! Oh yes, Oh yes Claire Sturgess is her name,
      She`s the Queen of heavy rock,
      And I love Sepultura and U2 to.
      Yes she rocks, and she`s a fox
      And she`s got curly locks,
M:    So she won`t look twice at a lump of Lard like you.

(Talking Bit)

L:    I think you`re wrong.
M:    I`m not wrong, I know, Look, she`s being nice to you,
      She`s mentioning you. That`s showbiz. She doesn`t care
      about you. That`s seamless showbiz. It`s, nobody, we`re,
      none of us are friends in this game. We all pretend to be.
L:    No you`re wrong our kid. It`s chemistry, you know
      at the end of the show she says "The lovely Lard" and all
      that. I mean it`s obvious. Peel and Kershaw don`t do that
      kind of thing.
M:    They hate each other, Peel and Kershaw, they just pretend
      to be nice.
L:    I know but it`s just that you can, it`s, it`s sexual, I'm
      telling you it really is, honest.
M:    Oh Lard, Oh Lard,

(Singing Starts again)

M:    Oh Lard, Oh Lard, Oh Lard, Oh Lard, Oh Lard,
      You sad misguided fool,
      You couldn`t trap off if your life depended on this.
L:    Yes I could, and I would, and I think I should,
M:    Well good job you are in London Claire Sturgess.

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