One feature of the Graveyard Shift was the occasional 'The Story Of Pop' where Mark and Lard would give us details on the lives and music of a particular Pop star or band in their own way. In it they would usually include piss take sections of the artists tunes.
Anneka Rice - Based on Anarchy In The UK by The Sex Pistols
(A tune about Jonny Cotton's sweetheart Anneka Rice) Lard: Anneka for the UK, She's got a round bum, but maybe, She has a bit of trouble getting in her tights, With her plump rock it's a shocking sight, M&L: But who's is the best arse? Anneka-aaaas's, L: It's as big as a council tenancy.
Pretty Vacant - Based on Pretty Vacant by The Sex Pistols
(To the tune of Pretty Woman) Lard: I'm pretty vacant, ah! Walking down the street, Pretty vacant, ah! Walking down the street, And I'm so pretty and you're so pretty, Where's the loo, So I can do a number 2! Mercy!
Space Oddity - Based on Space Oddity by David Bowie
(Written about his Ginger Tom cat called Tom) Mark: 10, Oh sorry, 10, brown beef whiskers for ginger Tom, 8, 7, brown beef whiskers for ginger Tom, Hamilton Academical 1, Steanhoure More, Take your worming pills and put your flea collar on, 1, ooorrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, F**king hell! Cat: This is Ginger Tom to David's soul, I'm pukeing on the floor, The room is floating in a most peculiar way, Some bastard's spiked my Whiskers cat food yesterday, Mark: For here am I hanking in a tin can, Far above the loo, (fart noise).
I Will Batter You - Based on ? by David Bowie
Mark: If you write another story, I'll tell you now you'll be blinking sorry, Cos I will batter you, I'll punch your throat, I'll splatter your nose, Kick in the cods, Chop off your log - rod. Mark: Do, do, do, do, (Mark continues to sing lots of do's in time with the music as we hear a journalist being battered in the background)
Why Fry It? Based on White Riot by The Clash
Why fry it? You shouldn't try it Why fry it? Leave 'em alone x2 You oughta ? to Scotland Where the buggers all bloomin' fry it Here it comes up swimming in grease And they can't bring themselves to try it Even the pies! They fry them too! And nobody wants To hear the tail! Why fry it? You shouldn't try it Why fry it? Leave 'em alone!
Thanks to Robert Holmes for sending me the Why Fry It? Lyrics. This was broadcast in around March 1996.
See Emaline Play - Based on See Emily Play by Pink Floyd
Mark: Pull your shorts down till their touching the ground, M&L: Ah ooo! M: Keep Martin Shivers for ever and ever. Emaline, That is the way to play, L: Yi be da da, M: Try passing the ball today, L: Yi be da da, M: You won't lose the game that way, God help us Saturday, See-ee Emailine play.
Lucifer Samways - Based on Lucifer Sam by Pink Floyd
Lard: Yi be da de. Mark: Oh sing for Godsake, L: Lucifer Samways, a bit of a twat, Always caught off-side, Always caught off-side, M&L: It is something I can't explain, L: Yi be da de.
Another Dick At Mill Wall - Based on Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd
Lard: He didn't have no education, He ain't got no ball control, No dark sarcasm in the changing room, Vinny Jones leave that Ref alone, M&L: Hey, Vinney, leave that Ref alone, All in all, you're just another dick at Mill Wall, All in all, you're just another dick at Mill Wall, L: Oh I mean Wimbledon, Sorry Our-Kid.
Rise And Shine You Lazy Anne Diamond - Based on Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd
Mark: Remember when you were young? Oh yes Hey, You used to rise with the sun, Rise and shine you lazy Anne Diamond, Now it's Good Morning with Nick, Who looks a bit of a - alright, Rise and shine you crazy Anne Diamond.
- Based on ? by Bob Dylan
Lard: Oh, I wiggy and with a nonny ho ho, A pig and a shovel and a funny ho ho, I find Kentucky's and cabbage alike, I fish in the river for a tasty old pike, I care to fish oh, a old kind of sinker, I like a wills, I'm a cider drinker.
? - Based on ? by Bob Dylan
Lard: I am a cider drinker, I'm drinking cider all time.
? - Based on ? by Bob Dylan
Lard: With a nonny nick nu, And a shovel full of poo, I work on the land, Dum dum dee dum.
? - Based on ? by Bob Dylan
Lard: Jonny's in the basement, He's a bleedin idiot, Sally's got bad breath, Sweat stains on her dress, Sarah's a bastard, So is Bill, F**k em' all, Bunch of c**ts, Look out twonk, Find yer conk, Rod knows where that, Bollocks to you, You better f**k off down the alleyway, F**king looking for trouble, I'll f**k with your brains if you, B****** useless bastards, Oh, f**k off, yeah f***
Blood On Your Baps - Based on ? by Bob Dylan
(Seething attack on his estranged wife, all lines are shouted) Lard: Yeah, I wouldn't mind if you could f**king cook, And you a shit kisser as well, And I'll tell yer, I don't want f**king naggin' naggin' nagin' All the time, Alright I've been in the pub, I've been in the pub, I come back and no ones bloody here, Come here you, I've not finished with you yet, Those underpants, I don't know who those underpant's were, Would you believe me, eh, would you, you cow!
Nashville Visible Pantylines - Based on ? by Bob Dylan
(Singing in cat like voice) Lard: Wihl, wihhill, wihhl etc Mark: Put that bloody cat out, L: Baby it's me, Move across, there's no more bread, I've had a terrible day, Shopping for my fresh cheese spread, M: Do you do Peter Beardsly, L: I'd like to see you in a cheese shop, buying, Fromage frais inside my seamless tights, Baby it's me, Move across there's no more bread, Wihl, wihhill, wihhl etc
Chris Waddle - Based on The Model by Kraftwerk
He's Chris Waddle and he's looking good Though he's got a dodgy haircut that is understood But he's running down the wing and that is very good Unlike that Glen Hoddle who can't play in mud
Thanks to Mark Leonard for the Chris Waddle lyrics.
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