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Radcliffe & Riley practice their catchphrases as they plot to follow ol' ginger bollocks onto the small screen

AT THE time of writing we have just completed our third week on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show and are discovering the disorientating sensation of having been dislocated between the nocturnal and the completely diurnal. Yes, we're shagged out.

Mark and Lard on TV with pigeon

Despite our sleep deprivation-enduced crankiness, it is with great anticipation that we await the arrival of the revolution in broadcasting that is Digital TV. A mind-boggllng breakthrough that heralds a new era of quality and perfection. Not the quality of the programmes of course, simply the razor-sharp imagery with which they are delivered. In fact, we are banking on the output of the speculated 250 or so channels to be no less than absolutely piss poor, thus giving our good selves at least half a chance of taking over our rightful mantle of 'Kings Of The Quiz Shows' from the likes of Les Dennis and Les Dawson (RIP).

Pundits reckon that the benchmarks of quality in quiz shows are the lakes of Blankety Blank and Family Fortunes. What bollocks! We may not be TV critics, but we know absolute s***e when we step in it. We've already taken the country by squall with Bird Or Bloke, and Fish Or Fowl and as for the television rights, let's just say that a major player is very interested.

Unfortunately, the Channel Four contract seems to have fallen apart (due to a staple shortage), but we are proud to announce that one of the previously mentioned Digital TV channels has bought up all the rights to any future games we devise over the next two weeks. Yes, tune in to 'Channel 250' (snappy title) for the likes of Money For Old Rope, Cushion Roulette and Find 'Em, Feel 'Em, F*** 'Em And Forget 'Em, the latter to be hosted by yours truly.

A brave new era for broadcasting indeed.

Before we sign off (or should that be sign on?), we would like to offer VOX readers the opportunity of taking part in one of our many top notch radio events. Of course, we can't let any old tosspot on the wireless with us (the BBC has a 'maximum of two tosspots per show' clause in all contracts), so in order to ensure the required grade of brainy ghet as a contestant we ask you this Fish Or Fowl question...

Is a pigeon:
A) a fish?
B) an elegant fowl with lush plumage?
C) a flying bat that craps like a bad 'un?

lf you answered that question correctly and want to be on the wireless with us in Manchester, write to us at I Want To Be On The Wireless, Mark RadcIiffe Breakfast Show, BBC North, Manchester, M60 ISJ. PS: Biffers welcome.

Mark and Lard signature

Answer: C

Thanks very much to Sarah Chadwick for sending this article in.

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