Is It Lard's Animal Sanctuary?


It's a sad fact of life that many animals are abused or not looked after properly. Lard has come to the rescue in his new feature where he tells us about a poor animal and using his skills tries to nurse the animal back to health. And then loses it. Oops. Here we will visit a few of the animals that Lard has dedicated minutes to helping. To the left you can see the drawer where he stores many of his sick animals.

It never ceases to amaze me how cruel some people can be to animals.


Hedgehog The Hedgehog

Lard came to know Hedgehog when he drove over him in his Triumph Dolomite, twice. Well after driving over something and hearing a tyre burst he needed to reverse back to the scene to see what had popped his tyre. It was then that a second tyre exploded. Fortunately Lard was able to give the hedgehog mouth to mouth which seemed to bring it back to life. Hedgehog is currently living in Lard's cupboard at the BBC.


Hedgehog: Not a Dolomite fan.

Dog The Dog

When Lard found "Dog" he was in a terrible condition. Some terrible person had tied a leather strap around his neck and had fastened him to a lamp post. This dog was clearly malnourished as this dog was chewing a bone, presumably in the hope of getting any left over meat off it.


Tortoise The Tortoise


Tortoise: Alopecia problem

This was a particularly disturbing case. In a dawn raid Lard found this tortoise locked in a small cardboard box which had been left under the stairs. This tortoise had been so starved of stimulation that it had gone into a deep sleep. It also appeared to have alopecia and a pohey bottom. Fortunately Lard found it and chucked it into the pond at the bottom of his garden. It must be happy there as Lard hasn't seen it since.

Horse The Horse

When this horse was found Lard was amazed at how cruel some people could be. It was in a paddock and some evil person had put a leather seat on it's back and was riding it around in a field. To add to this list of atrocities the said person was also hitting the horse at regular intervals with a whip. On closer inspection Lard saw that the poor horse had nothing to eat except grass! Lard soon led the horse to a better life by sticking it in his cupboard and occasionally throwing in hamburgers. Now the horse can relax and have proper food.


Snail The Slug


What the slug looked like when Lard found it.

Lard was shocked when he found a snail which had lost it's shell. But don't worry as even Lard cocks up sometimes. He was relieved to find out that he had actually found a slug. Worryingly this slug was leaving a trail of slime behind it. Lard decided to keep the slug in his pocket but then hit it over the head with a baseball bat when he caught it eating one of his prize marrows from his allotment.


After being in Lard's pocket for several hours.

Hippo The Hippo


Hippo: Sank without trace

It's amazing what you can find in Levenshulme. Lard was very surprised to find a hippo in a pond in the local park. The poor thing was obviously drowning so lard had to get it out. After the line from his fishing rod had snapped he decided he needed something more heavy duty... like a whaling harpoon. Unfortunately after Lard had harpooned the hippo it mysteriously sank and Lard was unable to pull it out of the water. Well, you win some, lose some don't you?

To Lard: So will it be alright then?

Lard: I don't know, I'm not a chuffin' Vet am I.



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