Mark Radcliffe On The Ward

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Here is an Paul Speller's transcription of Mark's guest appearance on CITV's The Ward on Tuesday 20th January 1998. The bits in brackets are Paul's notes and comments. (As if that wasn't blatantly obvious)

SCENE: THE WARD

Scott: Mags [dinner woman], why aren't you serving up?

Mags: There's no point, I'll not get any sense out of this lot yet...wait...(looks at watch)...3...2...1...

[Kids all round ward remove their headphones. Dave Pearce is obviously not popular.]

Mags: Well, you must've noticed. Everybody's suddenly gone bananas over the afternoon show. It's that Mark Radcliffe - they're all potty about him. [Try telling that to Roger Bannister.] 'Ey, you should get him on your [hospital radio] programme, Scott.

Scott: Mark Radcliffe on KWA [hospital radio station] ?

Mags: Why not? He'd be a scream, the kids would love it.

Scott: Mark Radcliffe. Yeah, I might do that, actually.

Tony (joining them): What's that, then?

Scott: Get Mark Radcliffe to do a spot on my radio show.

Tony: Nice one. You'd be well chuffed if you managed that, you'd be walking on air. Talking of on air...

Scott (looking at his watch): Oh, help, I've got a running order to sort out...gotta go!

SCENE: HOSPITAL RADIO STUDIO

Scott (on air): Hold on to your hot water bottles for the news flash of the decade! You hear him every afternoon on Radio One; now you'll get the chance to listen to him live on KWA. He's the DJ who we say is OK [excuse me while I vomit!], he's Mark Radcliffe! (He plays a sound effect of cheering) Stay listening for more info on that interview with the mighty [?!!] Mark Radcliffe.

[He puts a record on and turns off the microphone]

Tony (entering studio): Well done, mate! So, when're we gonna hear you chatting platters with Mr. R.?

Scott: Dunno. All we've gotta do now is wangle an interview!

Tony: You mean you've gone and announced it on air and you don't even know if he'll speak to you yet?

Scott: Well, I just kind of thought...well, we're in the same business an' that...What, d'you reckon I might not be able to get him then?

Tony: There's only one way to find out, I guess. Come on... (They move out into the office) Go on, just pick up the 'phone and dial Radio One. Here's the number. [0500 110 100? So that'll put them through to Dave Pearce in London, will it? Very useful]

Scott: Yes, I announced on air that I was gonna get him, and I'm gonna look a right dipstick if I don't. It's no big deal. I just call him up and ask for an interview. No problem. What's the problem? I can do this. (He picks up the 'phone and dials) Oh, you talk to them, Tony, I can't!

Tony: Scott!

Scott: Oh, hello, I'm 'phoning from South Park Hospital, B1 Ward, um, we've got this radio station and we were wondering...any chance of an interview with Mark Radcliffe?

SCENE: THE OFFICE

[Scott and Tony are watching the 'phone. As if that'll make it ring any quicker.]

Tony: That's it, then.

Scott: But they said they'd ring back.

Tony: People often say things. [Well observed, eh?]

Scott: Mark Radcliffe, eh? It would've been so excellent! (They leave the room. The 'phone rings. They stop. They run back in. Scott answers)

Scott: Yes?...Yes...OK...sure...right...yes...thanks...thanks. (He hangs up)

Tony: Well, c'mon, was it Radio One, what did they say? Scott?

Scott: YEASS! GUESS WHO'S GONNA BE INTERVIEWING MARK RADCLIFFE TOMORROW MORNING AT 10?! [Tough one, that. No, I give up.]

Tony: You did it! Brilliant!

Scott: Yes!

[They dance round the room singing "'Ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go!" in a manner which suggests that Roger Bannister was wrong to chuck Scrawn & Lard off the Breakfast Show. A nurse enters, looking angry at all the noise. They stop suddenly, in time-honoured "comedy" tradition.]

SCENE: THE WARD the next day.

Nick: Tony, what are you doing here? It's supposed to be your day off.

Tony: Scott's interviewing Mark Radcliffe, so I volunteered to come along and be his own personal Lard!

Nick: What? No, this whole thing is totally ridiculous.

Mags: When you see Mark Radcliffe, give him a stonking great smacker on the lips from me!

Nick: Mags! Please, control yourself! Anyway, they probably won't even get to meet him.

Some Woman Or Other (sorry, but I've never seen this programme before): Always the party pooper, eh, Nick!

Nick: Well, let's face it, it's never gonna happen, is it?!

SWOO: 'Course it is! Scott: He promised me!

Nick: Yes, well, if you ever DO get to meet this Mark Radcliffe, I'll wear a bed-pan on my head and treat you all to a fish supper. [Ooh, you can sense the "comedy" potential already, can't you?] (Others all laugh)

Tony: You're on. (They shake on it)

SWOO: Good luck, guys.

Scott: See you later. (he goes off with Tony)

SCENE: OXFORD ROAD, OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE TO BBC NORTH

Scott: This is it, then. Tony: Who knows, kiddo, you might be working here one day! (They enter)

SCENE: DITTO

[A security guard ushers them out]

Scott: You don't understand, we've come here to meet Mark Radcliffe.

Guard: Right, and I'm Ginger Spice! Now hop it!

Tony: Hang on, hang on, he's got an appointment you know.

Guard: Oh, you have a letter authorising your visit, do you? Well, that's a different kettle of monkeys altogether. [Something of a mixed metaphor, n'est-ce pas?]

Scott: No, we don't have anything in writing, but they promised me yesterday when I 'phoned up, honest!

Guard: I have kids trying to blag their way in here every flaming day of the year. [I find that VERY hard to believe] Now you're going to have to come up with something a bit better than that to get one over on Reggie Steed!

[He goes back inside, leaving them looking despondent]

SCENE: OXFORD ROAD, A 'PHONE BOX

Scott: I don't know why we didn't think of this before. All we have to do is dial up Mark Radcliffe, tell him what's happened and bingo! - we're in. (They enter the 'phone box)

CUT TO BBC NORTH RECEPTION DESK

[Phone rings, guard from before answers it]

Scott (in 'phone box): Hello? Hello? Listen, this is an emergency. I have to speak to Mark Radcliffe. I'm trying to get in to meet him, but some stupid old duffer with a face like a baboon's backside keeps chucking...

Guard: Old duffer?! With a face like a...?! You little...! If I get hold of you, I'll make ashtrays of your ear'oles! (Scott hangs up)

Tony: Any other brilliant ideas? [Of course...]

SCENE: BBC NORTH ENTRANCE AGAIN

[Tony is carrying a couple of pizzas in boxes]

Tony: This is crazy. It's never gonna work.

Scott: Tony, have a little faith!

Tony: I have faith. I also have hot mozzarella dripping down my neck.

[They enter Reception. The guard has his back to them. They hesitate. Tony finally goes for it]

Tony: Pizzas for Mr. Radcliffe!

Guard (reaching over his shoulder): Here, I'll take those... (he sees them) YOU! I've told you! (He chucks them out again)

Scott (as they walk away from the entrance): That's it then. The chance of a lifetime and I let it slip through my fingers.

Tony: Cheer up, mate: you did your best.

Scott: It wasn't good enough, was it? What am I gonna tell everyone now?

Tony: They'll understand. Hungry? (He opens a pizza box. Mark Radcliffe appears behind them)

Mark: 'Ey, any of that pizza going begging? I'm starving!

Scott (turning round, looking shocked and preparing to state the bleedin' obvious): You're Mark Radcliffe!

Mark: You must be Scott and Tony! I thought you weren't coming - I've been waiting for you, you know!

Scott: Sorry - we couldn't get in.

Mark: Oh, Steed, oh he's no problem at all. Come with me, we'll go up to the studios. I'll do some jingles for your radio show, all right?

Scott and Tony, in some kind of Fast Show-induced harmony: Brilliant!

Mark: Come on then, and bring that pizza with you!

SCENE: INSIDE, RECEPTION

Mark: Have you ever been inside a radio studio before?

Tony: I haven't, no.

Mark: Well, come and have a look at ours. It's a bit of a mess, like, but it'll give you an idea anyway.

Guard: Mr. Radcliffe.

Mark: Oh, all right Steed, how you doing? Can you get us a couple of Cokes for my mates here, they're special guests of mine for today. Can you bring 'em up to Studio 2 on the second floor? Cheers mate, nice one.

Guard: Right away, Mr. Radcliffe, Sir, immediately.

[There follows a montage of shots with music but no speech, showing Mark, Scott and Tony messing about in what I can say from experience is the ACTUAL Mark Radcliffe show studio. I'm great, me!]

SCENE: THE WARD

Nick: Well, no sign of Scott and Tony.

SWOO: You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

Nick: I knew it would all come to nothing. Some Bloke: They should have been here hours ago.

Nick: They're probably too embarrassed to show their faces after all that hullabaloo. [Now there's a word you never hear in real life] (Tony and Scott enter - now there's timing you never see in real life)

Scott: We did it! We did it!

Tony: Oh, it was fantastic, what a brilliant bloke!

Scott: He took us round the studios, made us some jingles, gave us a load of free CDs! (He never gave me any. Maybe I should've asked for some)

Nick: Hang about. They say they met him, but how do we know they actually did?

[Scott presses play on a tape player which just happens to be in his hands all of a sudden. With the tape cued up and everything. Amazing.]

Mark (on tape): A big hi to my mate Scott. I've gotta be nice to him - at this rate he'll be after my job. He's KWA-mazing - geddit?! [Ooh dear] Scott, just keep on rocking...(continues under rest of scene, inaudibly, and fades up again over titles - see below)

Fiona: Nick, get your coat.

Nick: Yes, right, coming.

SWOO: No, hold it, haven't you forgotten something? You're treating us all to a fish supper tonight, remember?

Tony: And one more thing... (He puts a bed pan on Nick's head. All the kids laugh like they hadn't seen it coming for the last fifteen minutes)

Mark (cont'd over credits): ...well then, this is the day, m-mm! Yum yum! [God knows what he was talking about there] And finally, turn down the lights, turn those lips up to smooch mode, B1's very own Romeo and Juliet, Nick and Fiona: is it really love? Let's hope so, no-one else'll have 'em! Oooonly kidding. This is Mark Radcliffe on KWA wishing you all good health, good listening and goodnight - good grief!

Thanks very much to Paul Speller for sending this transcription in.