You`re A Bastard

by Baby Bloke

Based on You`re Gorgeous by Baby Bird

(Whispered) You`re a B A S T A R D
Lard: (whispered) What does that spell?

Mark: Remember that tank top I bought you
L:    Yes, you wrote "I`m A Toss Pot" on it,
M:    I took you shopping Saturday Morning,
L:    You made me wear a bonnet.

M:    I got you to hitch your knees up,
L:    And pulled my cheeks apart,
M:    I took a great big box brownie camera,
L:    Yes, you shoved it up my arse.

L:    Because you`re a bastard,
M:    I`d do anything for you,
L:    Look you`re a bastard,
M:    And you`re a bastard too.

M:    I rubbed an icecube on your cods,
L:    I knew there was summat amiss,
M:    I said your clothes were sexy,
L:    You did, but you were taking the piss.

M:    I said I`ve only got one pound,
L:    I said don`t worry I come cheaply,
M:    I promised to put you on the cover of a magazine,
L:    Yes, You Wouldn`t Would You Weekly.

L:    Because you`re a bastard,
M:    I`d do anything for you,
L:    Look you`re a bastard,
M:    And you`re a bastard too.

L:    You`re a ba, You`re a ba, You`re a ba, You`re a ba,
      You`re a ba, You`re a ba, You`re a ba-sterd,
M:    No I`m not,
L:    Yes you are,
M:    No I`m not,
L:    Yes you are,
M:    No I`m not,
L:    Yes you are,
M:    No I`m not,
L:    Yes you are,

M:    Because You`re going home in a f****** ambulance.

You`re Gormless

by Baby Bloke

Based on You`re Gorgeous by Baby Bird

This is another version of You`re gorgeous that Mark and Lard made for when they were doing the breakfast show on 26/11/1996.

Mark: (whispered) You`re G O R M L E S S 
L:    (whispered) What does that spell?
M:    (whispered) I`ll tell you later.

M:    Remember that tank-top I bought you,
L:    Yes, but you wrote "I`m a toss pot on it.
M:    I took you shopping Saturday Morning,
L:    Yes, you made me wear a bonnet.

M:    I took a video camera,
L:    You filmed me naked in Cheadle,
M:    Yeah, but I checked first that there was no one about,
L:    Yes, then you sent it to Jeremy Beadle.

M:    I did, because You`re Gormless,
L:    But I`d do anything for you,
M:    Yes but You`re Gormless,
L:    (cough) Yeah I suppose that`s true.
M:    It is true.
L:    Alright.

M:    I told you you`re clothes were manky,
L:    You threw away my Armani shirt,
M:    I rubbed an icecube on your bits,
L:    Oh you did, blummin `eck that hurt.
M:    You wusse.

L:    Anyway you just think I`m cheap,
M:    Wot? I gave you twenty quid,
L:    Yes you did, that`s for cleaning the bog for the next 5 years,
M:    But you`ll probably forget to do under the lid.
L:    Why?

M:    Because You`re Gormless,
L:    But I`d do anything for you,
M:    Yes but You`re Gormless,
L:    And now you mention it I suppose that`s true,
      Actually no it`s not.

M:    It is true,
L:    No it`s not,
M:    It is true,
L:    But I`ve got a grammar School education,
M:    You haven't,
L:    I have.
M:    You left before you took any exams didn`t you?
L:    That`s got nothing to do with it I`m quite bright,
      I`ve got a lot of common sense.
M:    You got unclassified in basket weaving.

This song is featured on The Worst... Album in the World... ever... ever! by The Shirehorses. For more Shirehorses information go to our Shirehorses page.